How to Rob a Bank

We got some disheartening news at work a few weeks ago. The company has decided to make an accounting adjustment and pay us 7 days in arrears.

Everybody on my end of the building is freaking out. We're the po' folk. You know... writers working as merchandisers. Marketing graduates working as merchandisers. Copywriting, creating online shoe deals, managing content. All for Austin salaries. And that ain't the best in Texas, let me tell you. People love to live in Austin, and Austin companies love to underpay because they know we'll take it to live in our great city.

When a company makes an accounting adjustment that takes one week of pay and plops it at the end of your worklife at that company, things get a little punchy. Basically, we get it when we quit. (Isn't that an optimistic prospect?)

Really, I don't know what's going on, but a few days ago, Crystal let us all know that the Prosperity Bank down the street had just been robbed. Since everyone's begging from Peter to pay Paul, I suggested we rob a bank.

Well. The fantasy started. So here goes.

A bank robbery as imagined by me and my 5 workmates

Anna said you cannot rob a bank without this get-away car. A badass war wagon is a must.

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She said it works best if Ryan Gosling is the driver.

Then we started a list:

  • Do it for a dollar to go to jail and get free medical treatment.
  • Go during lunch when there’s only one teller.
  • Pick an ugly bank because people don’t like to go in there. They prefer a pretty bank.
  • Queen Latifa should be the ring leader. 

Along with these few ideas, I did some research, of course. Honestly, it doesn't seem to be that hard to rob a bank.

(A shout out to the NSA...)

Let's just say we're famous girl robbers...

How would that go down?

I think Anna would be Bonnie Parker. I know the car is not as cool as the Healey, but Bonnie is an icon. Who wouldn't want to be Bonnie and go on the most famous bank robbing spree in history?

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Kathryn could be a Barbie Bandit. I mostly picked the Barbie robber because it's such an antithesis to Kathryn. But hey. Every girl should go glam just once, and it pays better than teaching yoga on the side.

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I'll give Chelsea the honor of taking on the Patty Hearst persona. Mostly because we'd probably have to brainwash Chelsea to do anything "wrong" anyway. She has a bad case of "nice."

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I'm going to give myself the unglamorous persona of the Starlett Bandit who was only named that because of her sunglasses and her preferred robbing locale. Otherwise, she was pretty frumpy and dumpy. Yea me!

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Alyssa was at home with a sick kid today, so I picked the popular girl robber look for her - the one that requires a ball cap and sunglasses. For some reason, this disguise seems to work for the robber...

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Crystal, who started this whole thing, wouldn't go along with the final deed, so she gets to be an unknown robber chola.

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another shout out to  the nsa

(I did it in bold, with H3 tags, in case they had their spy gear off the first time...)

Could we? Would we?

Seriously. Could we? We're smart enough and unlikely enough suspects to probably pull this off at an ugly bank. The Prosperity Bank that got robbed is easily the ugliest bank in Austin. Surely we can find the second ugliest.

It's an exciting thought, and a group of girls can dream, can't we?

Anna

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Runs a fancy food trailer that smashes the Austin Qui mystique!

Kathryn

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Yoga guru with a studio right where the Sheiks like to land their helicopters for F1.

Chelsea 

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Owns the rights to Adventure Time and therefore, owner of the world's only diamond studded Fionna hoodie.

Me 

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I made two "shout outs" to the NSA - come on. I'm going to jail.

Crystal 

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Tasked with making my jail cell look better than Martha Stewart's

Alyssa

(No picture available - what the heck?!?! I couldn't even rob one from Facebook.)
Buys and successfully runs Adam & Eve - 'cause y'all. that's where the real money is!

So.
We'll give this some thought over drinks. I think I'll host a "poor baby" happy hour this weekend for those of us reeling from the 7 day cash crunch. If anybody hears Ryan Gosling will be in town, be sure to tell him where I live!

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