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Christy Claxton: Porch Talk

Hush, Now - August 5, 2018

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Let me start with this: Fake News v. Fake Media
Think about that for a bit.

I admit to being an NPR junkie. Like many  addicts, I acknowledge my addiction, lay off the listen, and then cave in to the sound of Rachel Martin’s voice. Sometimes I’m completely engaged and feel like I’ve invested my drivetime in a fulfilling way. Other times, I want to lie on the nearest bathroom floor and throw up the spin of some political guest. No matter which news broadcast you prefer, I’d like to offer this for consideration – political guests sound like the daily horoscope. They don’t really say anything, but they are really good at talking around ideals that make you feel certain your way of thinking is righteous.

It’s a great time to find that link and post it to your Facebook page, or to make a quotable meme and add it to your Instagram. Then we can call it news. News from our most trusted source of media. That would be social media.

I kind of like that FAKE NEWS has become a solid part of the contemporary lexicon. I like that many people are hot to remind all reasonable humans that FAKE NEWS is real… as real as a well edited video collage of the opposition’s favorite politician doing things that remind us of Hitler. I like that FAKE NEWS is the father of one very certain, undisputable fact.

Americans are idiots.

So. Consider the above image. Compliments of one of many Facebook algorithms designed to help me tell my story. No human eyes inspected that image before it was pushed to me. Albeit, Tammy and I had a good laugh even it is offensive.

There is an idiot out there that would actually post that, make it his/her profile picture and then wonder why a spouse was so pissed off.

It’s a great metaphor for so much of what we post for the world to see. Personally, I’ve really taken a measured approach to social media. I used to be as active as anyone, but I don’t like arguments that have no good outcome. I don’t like the pugilism of bare knuckle word wars. The people who really matter know how I think and what I stand for (whether they agree or not, I think they at least respect me).

I’d rather be quiet than the carrier of FAKE NEWS.

An American Holiday Disaster - July 23, 2013

This is the story of 4 workmates that decided to celebrate the most American of American holidays - National Hot Dog Day.

 

This is Ada. It's probable that she's responsible for this mess.

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Like everyone else in this story, Ada works at Offers.com. Along with her co-workers, she helps promote the best coupons and deals on the Internet. As an expert in seeking out and advertising deals, it makes sense that Ada had inside information about National Hot Dog Day. There's no other reason the others would embrace $1 chili cheese dogs and American dogs from Sonic.

This is Ryan

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He's a photographer and the company videographer. He's also a "yes man" when it comes to adventures with the girls. And like any other fine young American man, he would definitely say yes to $1 hot dogs. He's also manly enough to add chili to his tater tots. There's no reason to foreshadow. Dear readers. You KNOW that every one of these people ordered tater tots with cheese, too. We ARE talking about celebrating a national holiday at Sonic.

This is Christy. me.

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I've been around awhile. Certainly long enough to know that $1 hot dogs are probably "iffy" at best. I admit to caving in to peer pressure. My original lunch plans included a container of left-over cabbage and green beans. Organic, of course.

This is Crystal. She's the office social coordinator.

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Although Ada likely instigated this whole hot dog celebration, it's not a done deal until Crystal says so. You know. She has THAT kind of influence. Please study the above photograph. We all know Lone Star Beer sucks, but I bet you looked at that picture and thought it was pretty cool.

Lunch for a Dollar

I think it's fair to say that anyone would get excited about a $1 lunch.
All I know is that Crystal said to me, "Oh my god. One dollar chili dogs at Sonic! We should go."
I can be non-committal if I have to, and at first, I felt like I would be able to resist this suggestion disguised as a proclamation.
Didn't work like that.
Crystal continued to explain that today was National Hot Dog Day, and that Sonic was selling $1 chili cheese dogs and $1 American dogs all day. "We should do it. You want to go?"

..."Maybe."

After a flurry of IM exchanges with Ryan and Ada, the decision was made. I blew off the cabbage and headed to Sonic with my workmates to celebrate.
Talk about a long line. Apparently, this holiday is more important than I thought.
In fact, there was a lady in front of us who ordered 84 dogs. 84!

Of course, our plan was to spend $2. That's 2 dogs. You figured out early in this post that we spent more than $2 each. Tater tots! No trip to Sonic is complete without tater tots! Ada and Christy got the traditional cheesed up variety. Crystal - being from El Paso and all - added jalapenos to hers. Ryan manned up and went full on chili and cheese. Add a cherry limeade, and one has ordered the most American meal possible on a hot July day. Lunch total - $6.93 each.

It looked like this.

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This is not something we shared. No-sir-ee. This is what we got apiece.

We were in and out of there in 30 minutes. Indeed. Fast food.
We took our American selves back to the car.

That's when the trouble started

Ada proclaimed she had cramps. Crystal seemed to think she might not make it back to the office before all hell broke loose. Although Christy and Ryan initially felt fine, Crystal's panicked driving changed all that. Our experience was somewhere between the stomach flu and a heart attack.

We did make it back to the office with our guts in tact, but it went downhill from there. Crystal got scary pale. Ryan didn't make his usual after lunch visit to our department. Ada got an eerily timed email about the 8 things that happen when you eat bad food. And let me tell you, these 8 things happen fast!  Here are 4 examples:

1. You may experience lethargy.

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2. You will experience bloating and gas.

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3. Possible vertigo.

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4. Depression and withdrawal.

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Trust me. We won't do it again.
Our boss - who's all about a good deal - even said, "Christy. Come on. You know better than that."

Of course I do! But I think it's appropriate that we try our own deals here at Offers.com. In fact, I'll bet there are 84 people who still think that National Hot Dog Day is the greatest American holiday ever! And no matter how bad we felt, I can promise you that none of us will give up tater tots with cheese.
Because THAT, my friends, would be un-American.

How to Rob a Bank - June 19, 2013

We got some disheartening news at work a few weeks ago. The company has decided to make an accounting adjustment and pay us 7 days in arrears.

Everybody on my end of the building is freaking out. We're the po' folk. You know... writers working as merchandisers. Marketing graduates working as merchandisers. Copywriting, creating online shoe deals, managing content. All for Austin salaries. And that ain't the best in Texas, let me tell you. People love to live in Austin, and Austin companies love to underpay because they know we'll take it to live in our great city.

When a company makes an accounting adjustment that takes one week of pay and plops it at the end of your worklife at that company, things get a little punchy. Basically, we get it when we quit. (Isn't that an optimistic prospect?)

Really, I don't know what's going on, but a few days ago, Crystal let us all know that the Prosperity Bank down the street had just been robbed. Since everyone's begging from Peter to pay Paul, I suggested we rob a bank.

Well. The fantasy started. So here goes.

A bank robbery as imagined by me and my 5 workmates

Anna said you cannot rob a bank without this get-away car. A badass war wagon is a must.

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She said it works best if Ryan Gosling is the driver.

Then we started a list:

  • Do it for a dollar to go to jail and get free medical treatment.
  • Go during lunch when there’s only one teller.
  • Pick an ugly bank because people don’t like to go in there. They prefer a pretty bank.
  • Queen Latifa should be the ring leader. 

Along with these few ideas, I did some research, of course. Honestly, it doesn't seem to be that hard to rob a bank.

(A shout out to the NSA...)

Let's just say we're famous girl robbers...

How would that go down?

I think Anna would be Bonnie Parker. I know the car is not as cool as the Healey, but Bonnie is an icon. Who wouldn't want to be Bonnie and go on the most famous bank robbing spree in history?

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Kathryn could be a Barbie Bandit. I mostly picked the Barbie robber because it's such an antithesis to Kathryn. But hey. Every girl should go glam just once, and it pays better than teaching yoga on the side.

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I'll give Chelsea the honor of taking on the Patty Hearst persona. Mostly because we'd probably have to brainwash Chelsea to do anything "wrong" anyway. She has a bad case of "nice."

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I'm going to give myself the unglamorous persona of the Starlett Bandit who was only named that because of her sunglasses and her preferred robbing locale. Otherwise, she was pretty frumpy and dumpy. Yea me!

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Alyssa was at home with a sick kid today, so I picked the popular girl robber look for her - the one that requires a ball cap and sunglasses. For some reason, this disguise seems to work for the robber...

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Crystal, who started this whole thing, wouldn't go along with the final deed, so she gets to be an unknown robber chola.

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another shout out to  the nsa

(I did it in bold, with H3 tags, in case they had their spy gear off the first time...)

Could we? Would we?

Seriously. Could we? We're smart enough and unlikely enough suspects to probably pull this off at an ugly bank. The Prosperity Bank that got robbed is easily the ugliest bank in Austin. Surely we can find the second ugliest.

It's an exciting thought, and a group of girls can dream, can't we?

Anna

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Runs a fancy food trailer that smashes the Austin Qui mystique!

Kathryn

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Yoga guru with a studio right where the Sheiks like to land their helicopters for F1.

Chelsea 

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Owns the rights to Adventure Time and therefore, owner of the world's only diamond studded Fionna hoodie.

Me 

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I made two "shout outs" to the NSA - come on. I'm going to jail.

Crystal 

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Tasked with making my jail cell look better than Martha Stewart's

Alyssa

(No picture available - what the heck?!?! I couldn't even rob one from Facebook.)
Buys and successfully runs Adam & Eve - 'cause y'all. that's where the real money is!

So.
We'll give this some thought over drinks. I think I'll host a "poor baby" happy hour this weekend for those of us reeling from the 7 day cash crunch. If anybody hears Ryan Gosling will be in town, be sure to tell him where I live!

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